Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
