You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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