You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
