I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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