My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
