I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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