Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
