I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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