I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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