Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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