and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
