Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
