it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
