Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
