When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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