Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
