I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
