Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
