I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
