just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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