If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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