Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
