I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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