She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
