Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
