Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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