What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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