I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
