you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
