I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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