Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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