I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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