Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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