mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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