I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
there is glitter all over my balls
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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