Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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