Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
