If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
