It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
