I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
