How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Randomize
