This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
