after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
