If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
