is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
