how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
