I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
