Heybabeimwearingurpanties
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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