No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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