Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
