how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
