apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
