He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You pole danced in your parka.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
