btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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