just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
