Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
