It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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