The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
