I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
