I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
