ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
